How to Raise Kind Children: What Harvard’s Making Caring Common Research and Child Development Studies Recommend

Almost every parent says they want to raise a kind child. Surveys of parents consistently rank caring, honesty, and respect among the qualities they value most. Yet when researchers at Harvard asked thousands of young people what their parents actually cared about, a very different picture emerged. Most said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than with whether they were kind to others.

That gap between what adults say and what children hear is the starting point for the Making Caring Common project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. This article explains what its research found, the practical strategies its researchers recommend, and what developmental science more broadly shows about how kindness grows in children, from toddlers who spontaneously help a stranger to teenagers navigating social pressure online.

What the Harvard Research Found

Making Caring Common was founded in 2012 by Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd and education researcher Stephanie Jones. In 2014, the project published “The Children We Mean to Raise: The Real Messages Adults Are Sending About Values,” based on a survey of about 10,000 middle and high school students from schools across the United States.

Students were asked to rank what was most important to them: achieving at a high level, being happy, or caring for others. About 80 percent chose achievement or happiness. Only about 20 percent chose caring for others. When asked about their parents, about 80 percent said their parents were more concerned about achievement or happiness than caring, and a similar share said the same about their teachers. Students were three times more likely to agree than disagree with the statement: “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

The researchers found that youth who did not prioritize caring and fairness, and who believed their peers did not either, were at greater risk of behaving badly toward others, including cheating, bullying, and disrespect. They also found that caring and fairness still mattered to young people, their parents, and their teachers; they were simply being crowded out by messages about success.

The Rhetoric-Reality Gap

The report’s central insight is what the authors call a rhetoric-reality gap. Parents sincerely rank caring as a top priority when asked directly. But children infer adults’ real priorities from everyday behavior: the questions parents ask after school, what they praise, what they get upset about, how they talk about other people, and how they spend family time.

A parent who asks every afternoon “How did the test go?” but rarely “Were you kind to anyone today?” sends a clear message, even without intending to. A household where report cards are discussed in detail but a child’s treatment of a lonely classmate goes unremarked teaches the same lesson. The researchers stressed that parents are not doing anything wrong by caring about achievement and happiness; the problem arises when those messages drown out messages about caring for others.

The good news in this finding is that parents do not need to be persuaded that kindness matters. They need practical ways to make it visible in daily life.

Seven Evidence-Based Ways to Raise Kind Children

Making Caring Common’s recommendations for parents center on five strategies, summarized in its resources for families and in widely published guidance from the project. The two additional strategies below draw on developmental research on motivation and empathy.

1. Make caring for others a clear priority

Children need to hear, directly and often, that caring for others matters as much as achievement. The Making Caring Common researchers suggest that parents say it explicitly, for example, “The most important thing is that you’re kind,” and back it up by holding children to high ethical expectations even when it is inconvenient: honoring commitments, treating others with respect when they are tired or frustrated, and making amends when they hurt someone.

Small changes in everyday conversation help. Instead of asking only about grades or games, ask about relationships: “Did anything happen today that made you feel good about how you treated someone?” or “Was anyone left out at lunch?” Praise acts of kindness specifically and with the same enthusiasm you bring to good grades.

2. Give children regular chances to practice caring and gratitude

Kindness, like any skill, grows with practice. Children who help with household tasks, care for younger siblings or pets, help a neighbor, or volunteer learn that their actions affect others. The Making Caring Common team emphasizes that routine helping, such as setting the table or checking on a sick friend, matters more than occasional big gestures.

Research supports the value of practice. A 2012 study in PLOS ONE by Kristin Layous and colleagues asked 9- to 11-year-olds in Vancouver classrooms to perform three acts of kindness per week for four weeks, while a comparison group visited three places each week. Students who performed kind acts showed significantly larger increases in peer acceptance, meaning more classmates wanted to spend time with them, than students in the comparison group. Both groups also showed improvements in well-being.

Gratitude is closely linked. A 2008 experimental study by Jeffrey Froh, William Sefick, and Robert Emmons assigned middle school students to count their blessings, list daily hassles, or complete no exercise for two weeks. Students who counted blessings reported more gratitude, optimism, and satisfaction with school experience than those listing hassles. Making gratitude routine, by thanking people who help the family, writing thank-you notes, or sharing something each person is grateful for at dinner, reinforces attention to others’ kindness.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern

Almost all children care about their family and close friends. The harder task, and the one Making Caring Common emphasizes, is helping them care about people outside that circle: the new student, the classmate who is teased, the custodian, the bus driver, people in other communities and countries. Children naturally focus on those closest to them, and extending empathy to strangers and people who seem different takes deliberate effort.

Parents can model this by greeting and thanking the people who serve the family, by talking about how others might feel in situations children observe, and by encouraging children to notice and include peers who are left out. News stories, books, and films about people in different circumstances offer natural openings for conversations about how others live and what they might need. The goal is not guilt, but a widening sense of whose feelings matter.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor

Children learn more from what adults do than from what they say. Making Caring Common’s guidance encourages parents to practice honesty, fairness, and caring themselves, to acknowledge their own mistakes, and to talk openly about the ethical questions they face. When a parent returns extra change to a cashier, apologizes for snapping at a child, or volunteers in the community, children see kindness in action.

Mentorship also means explaining reasoning. Rather than simply saying “Be nice to your sister,” a parent can talk through why a behavior matters and how it affects others. Children who understand the reasons behind values are more likely to internalize them than those who follow rules out of fear of punishment.

5. Help children manage destructive feelings

Children often know how they should treat others but are overwhelmed by anger, envy, shame, or frustration in the moment. Making Caring Common recommends teaching children to recognize and manage these feelings, because a child who can calm down is better able to act kindly. Practical steps include naming emotions, teaching simple calming techniques such as stopping, taking a deep breath, and counting to five, and helping children talk through conflicts and think about solutions.

This work overlaps with what educators call social and emotional learning. It is not about suppressing feelings, which children are entitled to, but about helping them express feelings without hurting others.

6. Praise and encourage, but don’t pay for kindness

One of the most striking findings in developmental psychology is that very young children help others without being asked. In a 2006 study in Science, Felix Warneken and Michael Tomasello showed that 18-month-old toddlers spontaneously helped an unfamiliar adult who was struggling to reach a dropped object or open a cabinet, with no reward and no request for help.

Rewards can undermine that natural motivation. In a follow-up study, the same researchers found that 20-month-olds who received a material reward for helping were subsequently less likely to help again than toddlers who received only praise or no reward at all. Psychologists call this the overjustification effect: when children are paid for something they would do anyway, they may start to see the behavior as a transaction rather than something they value.

The practical lesson is to recognize kindness with warm, specific attention and appreciation rather than stickers, money, or treats. Saying “You noticed Maya was sad and sat with her; that was really kind” helps a child see themselves as a caring person, which research suggests is a stronger foundation than rewards.

7. Build empathy through conversation, stories, and perspective-taking

Empathy, the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings, underlies kindness. Parents build it by talking about emotions in everyday situations: “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?” Reading stories together and discussing characters’ feelings and choices gives children practice imagining other perspectives in a safe setting. When conflicts arise, asking children to consider the other person’s point of view before deciding what to do strengthens the same skills.

Empathy is necessary but not sufficient; children also need to act on it. Encouraging a child to follow up on a feeling with an action, such as checking on a friend, sharing, or including someone, turns empathy into kindness.

What Research Shows About Kindness and Children’s Futures

Kindness is sometimes treated as a nice extra alongside the “real” work of academic achievement. The research suggests the two are closely connected.

Early social skills predict adult outcomes. A 2015 study in the American Journal of Public Health by Damon Jones, Mark Greenberg, and Max Crowley followed children from kindergarten into early adulthood. Teachers’ ratings of kindergartners’ social competence, including helping others, sharing, cooperating, and resolving problems with peers, were significantly associated with outcomes nearly two decades later in education, employment, criminal activity, substance use, and mental health. The authors concluded that these noncognitive skills deserve attention as a public health priority.

Teaching social and emotional skills improves academics. A 2011 meta-analysis in Child Development by Joseph Durlak and colleagues examined 213 school-based social and emotional learning programs involving more than 270,000 students. Compared with controls, students in these programs showed improved social and emotional skills, attitudes, and behavior, and an 11-percentile-point gain in academic achievement.

Kindness improves well-being and relationships. As the Layous study showed, children who practice kindness become more accepted by peers, and peer acceptance is linked to lower risk of bullying and better mental health.

In short, raising a kind child does not come at the expense of raising a successful one. The skills involved in caring for others, including empathy, self-control, cooperation, and communication, support learning and long-term well-being.

Kindness at Every Age

How kindness looks, and how parents can nurture it, changes as children grow.

Age	What children can do	How parents can help
Toddlers (1–3)	Spontaneous helping, comforting a crying person, simple sharing with support	Name feelings; invite small helping tasks; model gentle touch and words; praise helping warmly without rewards
Preschool (3–5)	Taking turns, recognizing others’ feelings, early fairness ideas	Read stories about feelings; practice turn-taking; coach through conflicts; teach simple calming steps
School age (6–11)	Understanding others’ perspectives, loyalty, rules and fairness, group inclusion	Ask about kindness at school; encourage including left-out peers; assign regular household responsibilities; discuss fairness
Teens (12–18)	Abstract ethical reasoning, concern for justice, strong peer influence	Discuss real ethical dilemmas; support volunteering with purpose; talk about online behavior; model standing up for others

Toddlers’ spontaneous helping, documented in Warneken and Tomasello’s experiments, suggests that the capacity for kindness is present very early. What changes with age is the complexity of the situations children face and the competing pressures, from fatigue and frustration in preschool to peer status and social media in adolescence. Parents’ job shifts from direct coaching to conversation and guidance as children grow.

Siblings: The First Kindness Classroom

For many children, siblings provide the most frequent opportunities, and the most frequent temptations, to practice kindness. Sibling conflict is normal, but how parents respond shapes what children learn. Rather than simply stopping fights or assigning blame, parents can help each child describe what happened and how they felt, guide them toward a fair solution, and recognize moments when siblings help, share, or comfort each other.

Giving older siblings meaningful ways to help younger ones, such as reading to them or teaching a skill, can build responsibility and pride. Avoiding frequent comparisons between siblings reduces rivalry, which makes kindness easier.

When Parents Are Stressed

Raising caring children is harder when parents are exhausted, worried about money, or stretched thin, and research consistently shows that parental stress affects parenting. Kindness does not require perfect parenting. Children learn a great deal from watching how parents repair mistakes: apologizing after losing patience, explaining what they wish they had done, and trying again. Parents who treat themselves with some compassion model a healthy relationship between high standards and forgiveness.

Support matters too. Friends, relatives, community programs, and schools can share the work of raising caring children, and parents who feel supported are better able to be patient and warm.

Signs Your Child’s Empathy Is Growing

Parents sometimes wonder whether their efforts are working. Signs of developing empathy and kindness include a child noticing when someone is sad or left out, asking about another person’s feelings, offering help without being asked, apologizing and trying to make things right after a conflict, sharing or taking turns more willingly, and standing up for someone being treated unfairly. Progress is rarely steady; children may be generous one day and self-centered the next, especially when tired or stressed. Consistent expectations over time matter more than any single moment.

Kindness Activities by Age

Toddlers and preschoolers: Help feed a pet, water plants, put away toys together, draw a picture for a grandparent, and practice gentle touches with a doll or stuffed animal.

Early elementary: Make cards for a neighbor or someone who is sick, help cook a family meal, choose toys to donate, and keep a family “kindness jar” noting kind acts noticed during the week.

Older elementary: Write thank-you notes to teachers or coaches, help a younger student, participate in a food drive, and plan a small surprise for a family member.

Teens: Volunteer regularly with an organization they care about, mentor younger children, organize a community project, and discuss news stories about injustice and what they could do.

Kindness Online

For today’s children and teenagers, a large share of social life happens on phones and computers. Online spaces can amplify both kindness and cruelty. The distance of a screen makes it easier to say hurtful things, to pile on in group chats, or to exclude someone from a shared space, and harder to see the effect on the other person.

Parents can extend the same values online. Talk with children about how posts and messages might feel to the person receiving them, and encourage a simple test before posting: “Would I say this to their face?” Discuss what to do when they see someone being targeted, including reporting the behavior, supporting the target privately, and telling a trusted adult. Model respectful online behavior yourself, including in how you talk about people in public comments or family group chats. Age-appropriate limits on social media use and devices in bedrooms, recommended by pediatric organizations for other health reasons, also reduce exposure to online conflict.

Common Mistakes Well-Meaning Parents Make

Focusing only on happiness. Wanting a child to be happy is natural, but a constant focus on a child’s own happiness can teach them that their feelings outweigh others’. Children also need to learn that doing the right thing sometimes involves discomfort.

Letting achievement excuse unkindness. Excusing a star student or athlete for treating others poorly sends a strong message about what really matters.

Forcing apologies without understanding. A mumbled “sorry” can satisfy adults without teaching much. Helping children understand how their action affected someone, and what they could do to make it right, teaches more.

Rewarding kindness with prizes. As the toddler research suggests, material rewards can make helping feel like a transaction. Recognition and appreciation work better.

Modeling unkindness toward others. Children notice how parents speak about neighbors, relatives, coworkers, other drivers, and people with different views. Harsh talk at home undermines lessons about kindness.

Assuming kindness will develop on its own. The capacity is there, but, as the Harvard researchers stress, children need adults who deliberately cultivate it throughout childhood.

Kind Is Not the Same as a Pushover

Some parents worry that teaching kindness will make children easy targets. Kindness and assertiveness are compatible. Children can learn to be considerate of others while also standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, and saying no to things that feel wrong. In fact, the Making Caring Common framework includes standing up for others and for fairness, which requires courage.

Teaching children that kindness includes kindness to themselves, and that they do not have to accept mistreatment in order to be nice, helps them build healthy relationships. Role-playing situations, such as how to respond when a friend asks them to do something unkind or when they are being excluded, gives children language they can use.

What Schools and Communities Can Do

Parents are not the only influence. Schools shape children’s values through what they recognize and reward, and many schools now use social and emotional learning curricula of the kind Durlak’s meta-analysis evaluated. Making Caring Common has also worked on college admissions, encouraging colleges to value meaningful contributions to others and to reduce the excessive achievement pressure that its surveys identified.

Communities contribute through youth programs, sports teams, faith communities, and volunteer opportunities that give children structured chances to help others. Coaches, teachers, and mentors who explicitly value sportsmanship, fairness, and inclusion reinforce the messages parents send at home.

Simple Daily Habits That Make a Difference

Ask “Who did you help today?” or “Who helped you?” at dinner.

Share one thing each family member is grateful for.

Give children regular chores that contribute to the whole family, not just themselves.

Notice and name kind acts, by your children and by others.

Talk about a news story or book character and how they might feel.

Include children in a family volunteer activity a few times a year.

Apologize to your children when you get something wrong.

What to Say: Everyday Conversations About Kindness

Parents often want to prioritize caring but are not sure how to bring it up without lecturing. Short, specific exchanges work best.

After school: Instead of only “How did you do on the test?” try “What was the best thing someone did for someone else today?” or “Did anyone seem left out?”

After a conflict: “How do you think your friend felt when that happened? What could you do now to help make it right?”

When praising: “I noticed you helped your brother with his shoes when you were in a hurry. That was really thoughtful.”

Discussing the news: “What do you think the people in that story needed? Is there anything our family could do?”

Before a social event: “If you see someone standing alone, what could you do?”

These conversations take only a minute, but repeated over years they help close the gap between what parents believe and what children hear.

Kindness Toward Animals and Nature

Caring for animals and the natural world is another way children learn to consider needs beyond their own. Feeding a pet, handling animals gently, watching birds or insects without disturbing them, and helping with a garden teach patience and responsibility. Family activities such as picking up litter in a park or planting flowers for pollinators connect kindness to the wider community. Children who learn to notice and protect vulnerable creatures often extend that attentiveness to people who are vulnerable or overlooked.

Frequently Asked Questions

Are children born kind?

Children are born with a capacity for empathy and helping; experiments show toddlers as young as 18 months help others spontaneously. Whether that capacity develops into consistent kindness depends heavily on the example and guidance adults provide.

What did the Harvard study find?

Making Caring Common’s 2014 survey of about 10,000 middle and high school students found that roughly 80 percent ranked achievement or happiness above caring for others, and most believed their parents did as well.

Should I reward my child for being kind?

Warm, specific praise is helpful. Material rewards can backfire; research on toddlers found that rewarding helping made them less likely to help again.

Does being kind help children succeed?

Evidence suggests it does. Kindergarten social skills predict later educational and life outcomes, and school programs that teach social and emotional skills improve academic achievement.

How can I teach my teenager kindness?

Discuss real ethical situations they face, support volunteering they find meaningful, talk about online behavior, and model kindness and fairness in your own actions.

What if my child is being unkind?

Stay calm, help them understand how their behavior affected the other person, guide them to make amends, and look for underlying causes such as frustration, insecurity, or peer pressure. Repeated or serious unkindness, such as bullying, may benefit from working with the school or a counselor.

How many ways does Harvard recommend to raise kind children?

Making Caring Common’s widely shared guidance centers on five strategies: making caring a priority, providing opportunities to practice caring and gratitude, expanding the circle of concern, being a strong moral role model, and helping children manage destructive feelings. This article adds two strategies supported by developmental research.

References

1. Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education. The Children We Mean to Raise: The Real Messages Adults Are Sending About Values. 2014. mcc.gse.harvard.edu
2. Making Caring Common. Resources for Families. mcc.gse.harvard.edu
3. The Peninsula (Washington Post). KIND Kids: Five ways to raise children to be kind. July 2014. thepeninsulaqatar.com
4. Layous K, Nelson SK, Oberle E, Schonert-Reichl KA, Lyubomirsky S. Kindness counts: prompting prosocial behavior in preadolescents boosts peer acceptance and well-being. PLOS ONE. 2012;7(12):e51380. PMID 23300546
5. Froh JJ, Sefick WJ, Emmons RA. Counting blessings in early adolescents: an experimental study of gratitude and subjective well-being. Journal of School Psychology. 2008;46(2):213–233. PMID 19083358
6. Warneken F, Tomasello M. Altruistic helping in human infants and young chimpanzees. Science. 2006;311(5765):1301–1303. PMID 16513986
7. Warneken F, Tomasello M. Extrinsic rewards undermine altruistic tendencies in 20-month-olds. Developmental Psychology. 2008;44(6):1785–1788. PMID 18999339
8. Jones DE, Greenberg M, Crowley M. Early Social-Emotional Functioning and Public Health: The Relationship Between Kindergarten Social Competence and Future Wellness. American Journal of Public Health. 2015;105(11):2283–2290. PMID 26180975
9. Durlak JA, Weissberg RP, Dymnicki AB, Taylor RD, Schellinger KB. The impact of enhancing students’ social and emotional learning: a meta-analysis of school-based universal interventions. Child Development. 2011;82(1):405–432. PMID 21291449

Last updated: September 26, 2026